When I was 17, I totaled my car. Though my dad wasn't thrilled about having to get a new car (and a new car payment), he found this really cool classic Dodge Dart at a used car lot. It had been sitting there for years untouched but it was in good condition and he and I both really wanted it. Despite this, we didn't go get it right away. A week went by. Maybe two. Then he finally went to get the car... and it was gone. Despite sitting there for years, just a couple weeks after we found it so did somebody else. Sorry he said, but everything happens for a reason. Maybe we weren't meant to have it.
When I was 19, I was walking down the streets of Argentina with my camera in my pocket. I usually kept it in my apartment since I was serving in an area with a lot of crime, which is why we were out walking instead of riding bikes. Hard to ride a bike when someone steals it every other week. But I didn't leave it in my apartment that day. I was visiting a family I had grown close to and wanted a picture of them before I was transferred to a new area. While walking back to the bus stop, two men came up to us and robbed us at gunpoint. Lost my camera and my cash. That's too bad, the ward members said. But everything happens for a reason. (P.S, to this day if I'm walking down a street and hear footsteps behind me I get a boost of adrenaline go into defensive mode).
When I was 25, I was engaged to Hannah and we were happily planning our wedding and honeymoon. Everything was great. I was playing a lot of basketball those days and was suffering from cold hands and wrists so I decided to go see a doctor and get it checked out. He had no idea what the cause might be. I read that circulation problems can sometimes be attributed to thyroid problems, so I went to get mine looked at. Surprise! Thyroid cancer. Right before my wedding. Luckily we caught it early and I didn't have to do any chemo or intense treatments, I just had my thyroid taken out and have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life. Don't worry, people told me, everything happens for a reason. Maybe you needed this.
Does it Really?
I've always had a problem with the phrase "everything happens for a reason," and by extension "maybe it's (not) meant to be" or "maybe it's just (not) supposed to happen." Usually what people mean by these is "everything happens for a divine reason", or "everything happens the way God wants it to." But is this really the case? Is there a Godly reason behind every good and bad thing that happens to us? Personally, I think not. It seems to me that this is contrary to everything we believe about agency.
Let's take me getting robbed in Argentina as an example. Some men decided they'd rather rob from Christian missionaries who they knew wouldn't fight back, instead of going out and earn their own living, and I lost my camera, money, and sense of security. Why did this happen? Did God want me to get robbed? Was this all part of the plan? Will this event be a key moment in turning me into my best self? No. I got robbed because some men decided to rob me. That's it. That's the reason. Me getting robbed didn't happen "for a (divine) reason". Nowhere in the plan for my earthly life did it say "go down to earth, get robbed by 2 Argentines at 1:15pm on a Wednesday." What it does say is "go down to earth, make your own choices and be affected by the choices of others." Sometimes bad things just happen to us. Because what's the alternative? If me getting robbed was something that was "supposed to happen" to me, if it was "meant to be", then a problem arises. The morally "right" choice for those Argentine men is not to rob people. And yet, if robbing me is what is supposed to happen to me, then the right choice is... the wrong choice? In order for the divine plan to go smoothly, they have to make a morally wrong decision? That doesn't work. What God wants for one person can't include another person acting in opposition to God's own commandments.
So why do bad things (and good things) happen to us?
There's a big difference between God knowing something is going to happen and God making them happen. Just because He knows you'll choose option A over B doesn't mean he influenced your choice. Bad things happen to good people, but God isn't necessarily making them happen - people are making them happen. God isn't making people get in tragic car accidents and lose their limbs or lives, people are. There's not a divine reason why that teenager decided to send a few texts while driving and t-bone another car, but there's definitely a human reason. People do bad things. People also do good things! They go out of their way to help other people and look out for one another. That's the beauty of agency. You can be as good or bad as you want to be, but those decisions affect other people. You can feed the hungry and take care of the sick, or you can text while driving and throw garbage out your window. It's up to you. But it affects the people around you, and what they do will affect you in turn. That's life. And life is better because of it.
Are you saying God doesn't help his children?
So then what, are you saying God is just hands off? Come what may, you have to deal with it alone? Not at all. Although not everything happens for a reason, some things do. God can still send a flood to wipe out the world, send angels to intervene in the affairs of men, prompt people to do the right thing, answer prayers, and so on. Just because I don't think everything is caused by him doesn't mean I believe nothing is. He will always be there to help those that ask for and deserve it, and encourage those that don't to turn their lives around. He is as active in your life as you will allow him to be. He won't stop others from affecting your life, but He will help you make the most of it. Which leads me to my final thought.
Instead of saying "everything happens for a reason", I prefer "all things will work together for thy good" (Romans 8:2, D&C 122:7). God doesn't make all those bad things happen to you to teach you a lesson, but you can learn and grow from all those bad experiences. We all knew when we chose to come to earth that we'd run into some tough times, but Heavenly Father has promised us that he'd help us make the most of them and that we'd learn and grow through experiences. He allows things to happen, rather than makes them happen. He let me get robbed, and I'm ok with that. What He did was help me forgive, remind me that material things don't matter, and see those men as His children that have had their own hardships. He reminded me that no matter what happens to me, I can choose to be happy and not worry about things I can't change. He helps me grow when challenges arise, and asks me to help others through their own trials. He prompts me to act in service of my fellow man, sends me the Holy Ghost to tell me who could use a helping hand or a kind word, and empowers me to bless the sick and carry out divine ordinances. At the end of the day the greatest gift he has given us is the ability to choose good or evil, help or hurt, growth or stagnation, and the help to grow through those choices.
Great article-- this definitely resonates with me. A similar idea is when people say we must be grateful for all things. I don't think we need to be grateful FOR all things, but that we can be grateful IN all things. It does not make sense to be grateful for being T-boned or robbed, but we can be grateful IN the situation by recognizing positive outcomes. We can be grateful for what we learn through the experience, for how we are able to access Christ's Atonement to overcome it, for the blessing that we weren't killed, etc.
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts. Things don't happen for a reason, things happen because people make stuff happen. I find that empowering and scary. Empowering because I have the ability to DO and OVERCOME. Scary because of what others can do to cause harm.
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